There comes a time in every woman's life when she knows she has to make a change. She has to grab her willpower in both hands, strap on her resolve, and call her mother-in-law and say, "We are going to lose 20 pounds, and I don't care how expensive it is, we are going to start by going on one of those goddamned cleanses, because I am tired of thinking about what I should and shouldn't eat! I want to pay someone to decide for me!"
My mother-in-law just lost 20 pounds, which is really impressive, but she also went through knee surgery while she was doing it, and that just too much effort-- a cleanse seems like a reasonable alternative to major surgery.
Why a cleanse? Well, mostly because MY MOTHER suggested it, and I follow her advice on most things. She looks fantastic, after all.
Secondly, because we have a friend who is a juice expert, and he swears by it. I'm not saying I'd go to the guy for advice on everything, but he knows his juice.
Finally, I figure I have lost the same 10 pounds about 10 times now, so I'd better try something different, and the idea of having the juice provided to me does appeal.
So today I begin. I have six juices that I drink whenever I want them, and it's about 1200 calories for the whole day. I hope I'm able to drink six in one day! I might be too full to finish it all! (I made that joke in honor of all you bitches who are unreasonably "full." My favorite is my Auntie J. "I just had a bowl of soup and I am SO full." Really? Unless that bowl is a mixing bowl, I just don't see it folks.)
I did not know if the cleanse would arrive today, so I figured I would start tomorrow. Which is why I had a brownie and tea for breakfast. However, the cleanse did arrive today, so I figured, "What the hell, might as well give this puppy a spin anyway."
I waited until 11:30 to have the first juice, being full on the brownie and mint tea. Not surprisingly, the juice does not taste like hot chocolate, but it wasn't bad. It contains romaine (I assume lettuce, not "Romanians") celery, cucumber, apple, spinach, kale, parsley and lemon. So basically apples and a bunch of foods I try generally to avoid. It's organic and has 110 calories. I should be hungry again by 12:30.
Actually, I'm pretty excited about the whole endeavor, which is why I thought I would resurrect the blog and share that excitement. Also, if I am going to suffer, I want you all to hear about it. I will let you know if I suffer from any of the side effects listed in the literature (some of which are pretty extreme and make the whole thing sound like a pregnancy--I hope I give birth to a 20-pound fat baby). I will also let you know if I lose any weight. If I don't, things might get ugly. Watch you back, MY MOTHER and MR. JUICE, and hope that the weight flows from my body like a river of greasy broth. Otherwise I'm coming for you!
