My Weekend with the Soul Man - Second Post of the Day

You get to know a person in a new way when they are a guest in your home. My cousin, Senor J.J. has stayed at my home many times, and he is usually an easy guest. However, the weekend before the wedding, we sunk to new lows.

First off, he totally faked me out. He said he was coming to visit on Saturday, then he called on Friday and said that he would not be coming due to the weather.

I slept late on Saturday. Granted, my children woke me up a couple of times and asked for food, but trust me, after throwing them some scraps I fell right back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't be seeing Johnny Cookbooks until Sunday.

When I finally dragged my butt out of bed, I realized that the weather was perfectly clear. I tracked J.J. down, and sure enough he was on his f-ing way. Now, he knows I'm a lazy slob that does everything at the last minute, so I don't really know what he was thinking. When he arrived I was wrestling two naked children into their clothes while simultaneously begging MY HUSBAND to take out the garbage. Not exactly a welcoming environment.

Let me also remind you that I was trying to lose weight so there was no food in the house. I sent MY HUSBAND out for panini supplies and proceeded to feed the poor boy leftover pizza and panini for lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch and another dinner. I would have felt badly about this, but the little bastard 1) Seemed to enjoy them; and 2) Kept offering to finish my panini. For example, I would eat half a panini and he would say, "Don't you want me to eat the second half for you? I'm willing to do that on your butt's behalf." I did manage to eat less due to his assistance, but I can't say it made me happy.

His accomodations were horrible in other ways. My daughter asked why he couldn't just sleep with me, as MY HUSBAND was away for the night. I tried to explain to her that that would be weird. When she asked why, I told her that he kicks a lot, which I bet is true. I also bet he steals all the covers and talks in his sleep.

[FN: I would bet that the worst cousin to sleep with is still Senor J.B., however. I know from personal experience that he kicks, spins, steals the covers and snores. He may be a cutie, but the women of the world should avoid him like the plague. Of course, my information is based on his behavior when he was five years old, but I doubt it has changed much in the last 15 years. He's a menace.]

We did manage to practice a couple of songs for the rehearsal dinner and wedding with our comrades. We also stayed up until midnight talking "Of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings." If you appreciate this kind of discussion, J.J. is one of the best people in the world to talk to.

Unfortunately, I could not inflate the air mattress because I mistakenly thought the air pump was uncharged, when actually I just was using it wrong. So I set up a very comfortable crib mattress, complete with ancient afghans and a new pillow (this ain't the Ritz, folks). I think that his right leg got a good night's sleep, but the rest of him was basically on the floor, and was up for most of the night.

I hid him in the parlor, and in the morning my kids couldn't find him. I heard them going from room to room looking for him so they could wake him at an ungodly hour. Eventually they located him and swarmed him, which was pretty bold, considering the amount of sleep he didn't get.

In the future, when J.J. returns (hopefully with his beautiful and sweet wife, Mdme. A) I will make sure that we have set up the new double bed. I will also be sure to vary the fare a little more, as the effect of all those panini on J.J. was pretty clear (he clogged my toilet).

While I can hope that future visits are more civilized, and that we have more time to play more music, and less time being swarmed by young children, I know that I will always enjoy hanging out with my friend and cousin, the Soul Man.

Girl Scouts of America -- The Devil's Handmaidens

I know I promised y'all a post about a certain soul-patchy gentleman, but I'm afraid that I have to address an emergency situation first

The Girl Scout Cookies are in.

Now, I don't buy Girl Scout Cookies. They are fattening crap that I find irresistible, and as such have no place in my home. Unfortunately, MY HUSBAND, while he agrees with me, always manages to bring these little torments into my life every year, just when I am working the hardest to lose weight.

This year he bought nine boxes from four different people. I understand that he had to buy some from our niece -- I'm happy to support her cookie selling endeavors. However, couldn't he have told everyone else he bought cookies from that he had already ordered some? One would think so.

This was a light year, actually, because MY HUSBAND is being really good about his diet and working out right now. He therefore bought just enough cookies to fatten me up and give the kids a treat. On his "cheat day" this weekend he'll eat a box of Thin Mints and be sated. Usually he would buy closer to 20 boxes -- I shit you not -- so he is practicing restraint. A charity that sells cookies? The man can't help himself.

When we didn't know any Girl Scouts, back in our Newton days, he cruised the supermarkets looking for kids in green sashes. If he was unsuccessful, he would actually go straight to the local distribution center, which happened to be in Newton.

Are the cookies that great? Let's discuss them.

Samoas, or Carmel deLites -- Coconut has no place in a cookie. The only food that should have coconut in it is Auntie K's Crispy Coconut Chicken, in which coconut is added to the breadcrumb coating. It was discovered when an enterprising homemaker (me) had leftover coconut she had to get rid of. Otherwise, coconut sucks out loud.

Do-Si-Dos or Peanut Butter Sandwich -- The name alone catapults it to greatness -- they do-si-do right into your mouth. A very good cookie, provided you have milk or tea. Too dry otherwise.

Tagalongs or Peanut Butter Patties -- Despite the silly name, these are really good. I ate about 10 last night.

Thank U Berry Munch -- Not even worth my consideration.

Lemonades -- The Richard Dreyfuss of cookies. Not your first choice, better than you remember them as, but ultimately annoying.

Dulce de Leche -- Too sweet. They are supposed to be modeled after a latin american treat, but they just wish they were chocolate chip cookies.

Lemon Chalet Cremes -- The Nicole Kidman of cookies. Trying to be elegant and refined, but only managing to be sharp and bitter. Has she ever been good or appealing in a movie? Is she only famous because she married Tom Cruise? At least Katie Holmes seems pleasant when she slaughters her lines. Don't bother eating these cookies.

Thanks-A-Lot -- Actually, no thank you. Just not enough chocolate for this broad. If you are going to be chocolate, be chocolate. I could draw parallels in Hollywood, but most of them are racist, so I will not go there.

Trefoils/Shortbread and Shout Outs -- Don't waste my time. Not worth the calories.

Thin Mints -- The Queen of the Girl Scout Cookie lineup. Their Tom Brady, their Robert De Niro, their Will Farrell. A really good cookie that doesn't have a counterpart in regular grocery store cookies. I think these cookies are why MY HUSBAND insists on buying Girl Scout Cookies, and the reason why I am always stuck with all the others.

Moral of the story -- Don't buy Girl Scout Cookies. Most of them are crap. If you must buy some, only buy the Thin Mints and the Peanut Butter kinds. If your spouse buys them, give them your children and nieces/nephews (it's what my kids are getting for dinner if he brings any more home). Thank God they come in such small boxes!

P.S. The slogan on the website is "To Help Girls do Great Things." I say "Piss off, Girl Scouts, for profitting from my pain!"