I'm back, baby!

As many of you know, one of my little cousins, Tootsie, is getting married on August 18th, less than two months away!!!!!! As such, Tootsie is officially nominated, "My Favorite Damned Cousin" for the rest of the summer. She is my little cousin, because she's much younger than me (Five years!) and she's tiny (rumor has it the bitch has been eating kale for lunch every day). [Footnote: Kale is gross. I know it's good for you, but I just cooked about four pounds of it for dinner last night, and I wouldn't eat it even if it were dipped in chocolate.]

Despite her lean, young body, and her repulsive eating habits, she is really awesome, and she mentioned to me when I last saw her that she used to read my blog when she needed a break at work. A multitude of other readers (four or five hundred) have also asked that I re-start the blog. I have therefore decided to come out of retirement (much like Brett Favre, but without the dirty pictures) and give these blog entries to Tiny Tootsie as a little wedding present. [Footnote: Tell your husband-to-be that that will not negatively impact the size of the actual present. I am not one of those jerks who "helps someone move," or "reupholsters a chair" for a wedding present. You will get your chunk of change, as is your due. By the way, did anyone else know how to spell "reupholster?" I had to look it up -- why do we spell that that way? Should be "reapolster," yes?]

I have already completed much of my Wedding Checklist, which I am sure you are very concerned about. Step one -- Killer dress/shoes/earrings. Went to Pilgrim's Progress, the best clothing store in the world, so done. Just a piece of advice when you are a smokin' (or slightly charred) lady dressing for a wedding in August -- It's going to be hot, and you are going to dance your patottie off. Dress for sweating. My dress is strappy, floaty and fantastic, so I'm all set. If any of you try and wear the same thing, I'll claw your eyes out. That includes you, Miss R who works upstairs. I'm watching you.

Step two -- Make hair appointment. Done. No roots allowed at the wedding.

Step three -- Get in shape. Done. My main squeeze, TP ("Total Package"), and I just completed the Insanity workouts. Nine weeks, six days a week. I eat lightning and I defecate thunder. I AM AS STRONG AS AN OX. I look back fondly on giving birth after finishing those videos. Seriously, I would be happy to prove it by beating up the bully of your choice.

Step four -- Get thin. Having a little more difficulty with this one. Quelle Surprise! Seriously, I've once more lost the ten pounds that I've lost and gained about six times in the past five years, so that is good. Unfortunately, I have not progressed beyond that. So here I am at 130 pounds again, well-muscled, with a layer of fat over what I hope is a killer body.

Also unfortunate is the fact that I have not grown. I am still at 5'3", with no boobs, shoulders or hips to speak of. If I were not 5'6", or a D cup, the math would be much more in my favor. Now that I am in my forties, I think hoping for a growth spurt is overly optimistic, however, so I think I am going to have to eat less.

So there it is! Time for another journey! Can I lose ten pounds in eight weeks? A NEW ten pounds, that is? Yes, I can! I'm in shape (albeit well-padded shape), so the rest should be easy (or easier).

To kick off this journey, TP and I are going to go to Nantucket for four days and nights. We've already made reservations at four different incredibly decadent restaurants, so I should lose some weight on the trip without even trying. That's my motto, "Set yourself up for success!"

Hope you enjoy the posts, and please let the other cool cats know I've started up again! Love you!

Big K