Is this bathing suit too small, or am I too fat?

I realized last week that I will be watching my kids swim every day for the rest of the summer. While tiring, this is a pretty good gig. I put my orange hat on, slather my white children with sunscreen, [FN: Mr. B asks for sunscreen, because like most men he is always looking for a free backrub, so I pretend to slather some on him, too.] sit next to Ms. L and spend the rest of the afternoon squinting and yelling, "That's too deep!," "Get off of him!" and, my favorite, "It's not time for lunch yet!"

The two suits I bought last year are not going to be enough. The "bridal suit," as I think of it, is adorable and easily ruined, being white and ethereal, like its owner. As a result, I don't really want to wear it to the local lakes, or more importantly, the restrooms at the local lakes (last trip to the lake I took children to the restroom about 500 times). Let's put it this way -- there are no attendants passing out mints at state park restrooms.

The black one-piece suit is good, but let's face it, it's been under a lot of, shall we say, pressure, over the last year. Certain seams and wires can only withstand so much. Also, let's face it, a girl deserves a new bathing suit each year. It's part of what gives her the courage to go to the beach practically unclothed.

So I turned to my life coach/personal shopper, Ms. L and said, "Why haven't you bought me a new bathing suit this year?" She said, "Oh, I didn't know you wanted one! I have a few that I found that are on sale, let's take a look!" [FN: Certain remarks she had made about my black bathing suit were what sowed the seeds of my discontent in the first place, so I don't know why I had to even have the conversation, honestly.] Ms. L is frighteningly knowledgeable about where to find good bathing suits on the internet. Much like The Girl with Dragon Tattoo doing a background check, she trolls around at high speeds, knowing just where to find suits for every budget, body type and need. It's a little disconcerting. [FN: I wonder how much teaching she actually does. . . ]

We settled on a gray suit that is very similar to my black one, and, in a leap of faith, an awesome black bikini. [FN: It has little see-through stripes around a square neckline. So cute!] Both were, while on sale, very expensive. Total Package did not believe, upon reviewing our credit card report, that I spent that much on just two bathing suits, but I had, and it was worth it! As I'm sure you understand, I would be happy to plate my ass in gold if I thought it would make me look good on the beach. Who wouldn't?

Unfortunately, the bikini is just a little too tight. This was confirmed by Thorn. I pointed and said, "This is the problem, right here." and she said, "Yeah, if you could get rid of that, it would look nice." Unfortunately, we were pointing to part of my anatomy, and that is not very easy to alter.

The suit may do its job and inspire me, however. The fed ex guy knocked on the front door just as I was dishing ice cream out to the kids. I took the suits out, put them on a counter, then dished out the ice cream. Then I had a banana.