Happy Kirstie Eve!

I am back from my brief hiatus, and I have lots to talk about. I didn't actually go anywhere. Seriously, I only left McGilpin Road twice in the last four days. Those excursions can be summarized as follows -- I am saddened to report that Stop and Shop did not have any organic bananas, but the girls are doing well at their piano lessons.

No, the big news this evening is not where I've been, but where I am. . . the eve of my fortieth birthday. As you can imagine, the celebrations have been off the hook (the pageantry!) but I will report more on that tomorrow. A little foreshadowing -- Mdme. S and MY HUSBAND are still trying to sabotage my weight loss efforts.

Now that I have almost finished my fourth decade (with flying colors, I might add) I have a few resolutions I am going to try and stick to, no, that I WILL stick to, that I think will improve the quality of my life and help me lose weight.

1. I am going to drink a LOT of water and tea. There are some excellent reasons for this:
a. They have no calories, but fool me into thinking I am full (or "more full"). This is a technique that my cousin, Mdme. SB recommends. When she feels fat, she decides she is very thirsty.
b. I don't want to have the skin of a raisin, I want to have the skin of a nice smooth grape. Therefore, I must hydrate.
c. If you don't eat much, you'll never poop again if you don't drink a lot of water. I have some female relatives that I bet have not pooped for months, or at least anything that a self-respecting person would call a poop (you know who you are, you skinny little bitches). As my best friend is wont to say, "The goal is to shit like a champ." Of course, if this ever becomes a real problem, there is always "Chocolate Smooth Move Tea." I kid you not, it's an organic tea that you should really not take. Let's just say that if you are curious what giving birth is like, or if you want to re-live the birth of one of your children, steep yourself a cup of this foul witch's brew. I highly recommend that you stay home for 24 hours after doing so. I almost gave Mdme. S a cup of "Chocolate Smooth Move Tea" the last time she was at my home just to get rid of it, but I knew I'd get caught, so I steered her to some old Mother's Milk tea instead. I figured she would rather lactate than shit her pants.

[FN: There is a dark side to drinking all that tea, however. I'm afraid to sneeze, because I might pee my pants. Now, some might argue that this is due to my advanced age, or because I didn't do enough kegels. However, the real reason is that my bladder is WAY too full, and my kids never leave me alone to go to the bathroom. Everytime I start to go up the stairs to the bathroom (all my bathrooms are upstairs, another part of the problem) someone needs their bum wiped in the other bathroom, or they dumped cereal in the couch, etc., etc. If I manage to get into the bathroom, there is a 50% chance that they will run in as soon as I pull down my pants. It's demoralizing. I feel like a prisoner that has to tinkle in the corner of my cell.]

2. I will be in bed by 11:15 p.m. every night. I need a lot of sleep. So do you, if you would just admit it to yourself. However, despite the amazing pleasure that MY HUSBAND has always found in my bed, he just won't go to bed at night. And I, like a fool, don't like to go to bed until he does (though to be fair, my bedroom thermostat is set below freezing, so I might not survive the winter if I went to bed before him) and I end up not going to bed until about midnight. If I go to bed at 11:15, and I wake up at 7:10 (which I do) I should be really rested. I'm not saying that I won't still take the occasional nap -- napping is sacred to me -- but I should have some more pep in my step.

3. I will use big rubber gloves when I wash the dishes. My hands are splitting and painfully raw all winter. They look like I've been cleaning fish on a pier in Canada all day. If they start looking really weathered all the time, well, that's just a waste of my lovely, long-fingered appendages. So I've started washing the dishes in huge bright green gloves that Mdme. L gave me for my birthday. I feel like a 1960's Grandmother Goodwin every time I put them on. (She always wore gloves to wash her dishes, and had manicured hands with lots of tacky rings on them. She also loved to eat, like me, but smoked to be thin. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.) MY MOTHER is against washing dishes with gloves because she doesn't think you can do as good a job, and you might drop your dishes. She's probably right, but I don't do that great a job anyway, and my hands are worth more than the dishes. Also, I can really crank the hot water now, and that should appease her.

4. I will have more sex with MY HUSBAND. I finish every list of resolutions this way. (How to save more money? Have more sex. How to improve the condition of your lawn? Have more sex.) It's just common sense.

See you tomorrow, at which time I will take my courage in hand, and weigh myself anew. I will also describe my kick-ass birthday party, which I'm sorry you missed, if you missed it. I would have invited you, but it was a surprise, and the hostess is very strict about who she will allow in her home. . .