The Power of Sef-Affirmation, or Liking your Ankles

As suspected, I weighed the same today as yesterday. Actually, the first time I got on the scale, it looked like I lost a pound, (130.5) but then when I double-checked I was still at 131.5. Then I double-checked four more times, hoping I was right the first time, but no dice. 131.5 it is.

I ate well today - banana for breakfast, and two salads with tomatoes, a potato(split between the salads) and oil and vinegar for lunch and dinner. I also had a glass of milk and a little bit of hamburger with dinner. Before anyone calls me and tells me not to eat certain fruits or milk (MOTHER) I think we all have to remember that the real problem is the cake and caesar dressing, not the bananas, in my life. Once I keep away from the bread and sugar, I'll evaluate my progress and see if I need to cut anything else out.

I was reminded by some "reader feedback" today how important Self-Affirmation, or Positive Energy is in losing weight. Personally, I have a very positive a view of my body and myself. Certain parties find it nearly impossible to tarnish that view, despite how often they try and beat at me with the hammer of reality. I would like to share some of my tricks for holding on to that happy feeling about yourself with you now. If you don't like yourself, try some of the following:

1. Shave your legs (and armpits). It doesn't have to be Christmas for you to give yourself (and your partner) the gift of silky legs. You will instantly feel sexier, even if you have to go through two or three razors to hack through all that stubble (what can I say -- my hair is strong enough to make rope out of). If it IS Christmas, or Valentine's Day, or you're just feeling blue, consider doing some work on the mezzanine level as well. Even if you have no one to share with, you will walk around knowing that you are hot and naughty. (If you are male, please don't do any of the above.)

2. Never wear underwear to bed. It's not good for you. Just don't do it. My children ask why I don't wear underwear to bed. I tell them adults don't and ask them to get the hell out of my bed. (If you have any questions about this, MY MOTHER will back me on this, as will a certain retired schoolteacher/librarian (let's call her the "Hot Librarian") whose husband still adores her as much as he did when they were newlyweds. I am not at liberty to say anymore at this time, but they go at it like crazed monkeys.) Stay away from underwear at night.

3. Moisturize. It makes you feel less like a dried up old woman, and more like a supple, nubile nymph. Get thick, fancy lotion if you can. If you are really smart, you'll get someone else to put it on you, but I've never pulled that one off with any regularity. I only end up getting moisturized in a couple of areas, and let's just say that my elbows, knees and heels get no attention at all.

4. Put your lipstick on first when you wear makeup. It gives you the strength and patience to keep putting more makeup on, and if you are a female, you should probably be wearing more makeup. Ever wonder why the deceased looks so good at their funeral? It's because they've got on a lot of makeup.

5. Get your hair cut more often than you think you need to. (Another tip that MY MOTHER and the Hot Librarian will back me on.) Hair grows. It changes every day. It needs to be cut, or it becomes slightly uneven and worn out on the ends. Get it cut. You do not want to walk around looking like Jack Black.

6. Be fancy. Wear perfume, jewelry, scarves and other girly shit. You'll feel better. Even if you look terrible, people with also assume that you are "pulled together." They won't realize that your socks don't match and you've spilled coffee on your pants if you are sporting a jauntily tied scarf.

7. Call an old lady (or old man, if you know any). First of all, you can't feel old and used up if you are talking to someone who's over eighty (unless you are talking to my grandmother, who has an alarming amount of pep for someone her age). They are also delighted to hear from you, which is always nice, and inevitably say nice things about you to you and everyone they know. In addition, they are going to ask you about what's important in your life, which you will tell them with a very positive spin (so they don't worry) which in turn reminds you how lucky you are. Finally, old people are very interesting, at least my old people are, and they usually know lots of stories that you've never heard before if you start grilling them on the phone. Give them a jingle.

8. Call someone a lot younger than you. You are their old lady. When you ask them about their life, you will remind yourself of what's important again. You have lived through a lot more than them, and your old stories, which many of your peers don't need to hear, will seem fascinating (or at least, not too boring) to them. Remember, no one has ever thrown up on them. They've never taken anyone to the emergency room. You're little kid with a dislocated elbow story is fresh to them. Finally, not only are you letting them know you love them, but you will get off the phone so happy that you don't have to study for a test/meet a boyfriend's mother/apply to school/find a roommate/choose a major anymore that your life will seem pretty cool.

9. Read a book that ends happily. Many people denigrate escapist literature, despite the fact that much of it is far superior to the chic lit shit peddled to women constantly in this country. I don't want to read a book that is about a woman who was molested, is getting divorced or has cancer, especially if it is written by a half-wit who should be writing dog food labels. That doesn't mean you have to read romance novels, either, though I am partial to them. They are like bubblegum, and I understand if you want some meat on your books. Read books where something happens that isn't happening to you and your friends, or in fact could never happen to you or your friends. Name of the Wind (Rosthfuss), Gunslinger Series (King), anything by Terry Pratchett, The Lies of Locke Lamora (Lynch), Elantris (Sanderson), True Grit (Portis), anything by Agatha Christie. . . well I could go on and on. The point is, when you need a break, take one. Be someone else for a little while, and if they have superpowers, well, all the better.

10. Brush your teeth. Your friends will thank you, yuck-mouth. Your spouse will stop recoiling from you. And you will feel minty fresh. And you will eat less, which will help you to diet. . .

11. Preach to people on a blog. Maybe they'll read it, maybe they won't. Who cares? You'll feel better for having written.

Tune in tomorrow for a day of dieting in a blizzard. My HUSBAND will be home to verify my reported consumption. Maybe I'll make him take me into the basement and play "Gym Trainer" and "Hot New Gym Rat."